A scary realistic dream about someone trying to kill me shook me awake this morning. Hailey's presence instantly made me feel better. She's such a peaceful person, always so mellow and easygoing. I love her so much. To be able to have her in my arms is such a blessing. I think back to days in the NICU, and I get so overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and relief that it's all over. The wounds are still really fresh.
I use to love watching "A Baby Story" to see the joy of birth, but I get so depressed and envious whenever I see it now. Hell, I get jealous even when someone complains about being uncomfortable in the third trimester. I felt so robbed of my pregnancy, but I always shoved it under the rug since I wanted my energy to be focused on getting Hailey better. I didn't have time to be selfish and have pity parties for myself. I went into Mama Bear Mode. All of my time, energy, and thoughts were consumed with being with Hailey. I loved being pregnant and I really was looking forward to a home birth. I wanted to experience the beautiful event of giving birth to my child. I was robbed of a third trimester and I was robbed of getting to have a joyful birth.
I didn't even get to hold Hailey until the day after she was born, for an hour. I got to hold Hailey one hour a day. But it was the best hour you could imagine. I hated putting her back.I hated, HATED, leaving the NICU. I sobbed every day driving home as my heart broke from having to be ripped away, and then I'd sob going to bed as I thought of her being in the NICU alone. I was a mess.
I lived off of microwavable meals and granola bars, I just didn't feel like cooking. I didn't feel like doing anything but being with my daughter. I was jealous of the girls giving birth and the Navy wives getting food trains together to cook them dinners and doing some cleaning. I could have used that soo much, but I didn't know anyone. I was utterly alone. A thousand miles from home, a husband that worked and didn't seem nearly as upset as me, and feeling completely depressed were things that were really hard to deal with when I had no one there for me. A lot of times I just needed a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.
When she was just born, people kept saying congratulations, and I'd always wonder why I'd ever celebrate something so sad. I understand it's the day I became a mom, but still.....it just didn't seem right. And then there were people saying they knew exactly how I felt. Really? Your baby was in the NICU for a day, you must know exactly how it feels to not even know if she'll survive, to long for the day she gets to come home, to wait days after her being born just so you can hold her for an hour for the first time. Don't tell me you know how I feel when your situation is vastly different from mine. I also hated when people said "I can't even imagine!" Well I don't have the luxury to not imagine, I have to actually experience it. Your life being perfect and fine enough to not even imagine doesn't make me feel any better.
I did love it when people told me it was going to be ok. That we were strong and "you WILL get through this!" It was those comments that reassured me that one day I will be able to bring her home. There were so many people praying for us, I was so so so so thankful for that. People I didn't even know were praying for us! And I know for a fact that they helped. I wish I could hug and thank each and every person who prayed for us. It meant so much to me.
The NICU roller coaster was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, hands down. I'm so thankful to have her in my arms. She is such a strong, beautiful girl and I'm so grateful to have the chance to be her mother. The 10 seconds I saw her after she was born before she was whisked away to the NICU I cried, not because of the dire circumstances, but because of the immense love I had for the tiny, gorgeous baby that was a part of me and a part of my soul mate. She's the most perfect thing I've ever laid my eyes on. And now she's allllll mine. I love my baby bear.
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