Pregnant women make me so happy

I was feeling my friends cute pregnant belly and I said I miss being pregnant and she said sorry. Lol that's so silly. I used to be bitter around pregnant women and hated hearing about women having fantastic births, but I'm really over that now. I loved feeling her belly, it made me super happy being a part of a new life. It gave me the warm fuzzy feeling. And I love reading about natural birth, I kind of like to pretend it was me and live vicariously through the wonderful story. I still hurt sometimes for sure, but I'm so glad I've been able to get past the bitterness of being envious of people having joyous births while I had a very traumatic experience. It's definitely a step forward and it gives me hope that I'll be fully healed one day.

It's a long process

My little chunky monkey is 6 months old! It's been 6 months since she came into the world. It's been 6 months and I'm still healing. Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop feeling like someone died. It's completely ridiculous because she's doing amazing, you'd never know she was a preemie. But my heart still aches from the whole experience. I still feel so guilty for letting her down, for my body releasing her into the cold world when she wasn't even close to being ready. I feel guilty for not wanting to think of her birthday because it was so heart wrenching. My friend was telling me about how her first child's birth was traumatic, and her second one was fantastic and was a very healing experience. I need a healing experience so badly. But I definitely need some time before I have another child. I need to physically and emotionally heal. I need to spend lots of alone time with the child I wasn't sure would make it. I just need something to put my pieces of heart back together. I've come a far way, that's for sure. But I keep expecting to wake up without any trace of heartache. But that's not how things work. It takes time. It's a process. I just wonder how long of a process it is because I just want to feel whole again...